BBbuuRRRRRRRP! Ahhhh! That’s some good Guano! Slurp!

(Parent’s note: if this story is taking way too much of your time to get through, please skip to the bottom and bring your youngins to Zennen’s, AKA Zen Master Flash’s, 6^th birthday. Details are below on page 5.)

Olmi’s Rising

Olmi woke up on the grumpy side of the limestone. He had just overslept by two years and he was starting to crave bat guano. Two red, ruffley fan feathers fluttered feverishly on top of his larvaly head. They began to pick up weak electrical signals from the world above his dark cave. He tried to open his eyes but they were sealed shut!! Just before he began to panic he remembered that his eyes were always sealed shut, since he could remember anyways. And besides, there was nothing really great to see in the dark.

It was a hard life being a troglobyte. While everyone up above can suck up fresh air, bask in the warm sun and snack on cheddar bunnies all day (without any worry of expanding their wastelines), poor Olmi spent all of his days and nights foraging in a pitch dark underground pool with slim access to snacks in shiny silver packaging. This worked out fine for Olmi because his scarce access to calories kept him sleak and his metabolism slow, slow almost to a stop, slow. Oh, and he could live for 100 years.

As a matter a fact he almost forgot to eat for the last three years until his ampullary organs began fluttering away, reminding him that there might be some crayfish around. Quickly, well, as quick as a blind salamander with leg cramps could move, Olmi leapt forward, into the abyss, and snatched up two scampering mollusks with each of his three-fingered, front feet. With a flick of his front foot he tossed a tiny morsel into the air and caught him straight into the back of his esophagus. Gulp!!! Then, another: Gulp!!! He was too starved to chew; straight down the little guy went into Olmi’s serpentine gut. BUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!! Ahhh!!!!!!! “That is just an Appet-Teaser, hgg ha hgg!, Get it, Get it? Appet-Teaser!!!” Hgg Hgg Hgg, he chortled with pride.”

Alone for so many years in his deep dark dwelling, Olmi grew accustomed to telling himself really, really bad cheesy jokes, mainly about his digestive system or the weather.

Well, the weather did not change too much for Olmi so those jokes made no sense at all; except when the humans up above scattered a bit too much antifreeze into their drains. When this happened, Olmi’s translucent body would take on an aqua green tint and he had what he described to himself as “hot flashes”. He tried desperately to fan himself with his flaming head ruffles: “Enough of these flare-ups! It’s time for me to pay a visit to my neighbors up above and teach them a lesson or two about being neighborly, and not contaminating my cave!!”

So Olmi packed up a small pouch with all that he would need on his long terrestrial voyage: an oxygen tank with tubing attached directly to his external gills, sunscreen with SPF #365, black painted sunglasses to hide the pale skin growing over his eyeballs and a power-guano bar that he made himself in a dry corner of his cave. He also packed up another pouch with supplies to help his human neighbors attain essential manners for sharing the earth. It was this pouch that would leave a whole flock of kindergarteners and their little brothers and sisters gasping in disbelief and awe at the genius of Olmi and his solution to all of the world’s troubles. It was this pouch that would give new hope to all of the little critters sharing earth’s surface and undergrounds.

Olmi made his way up a sinuous passage, only wide enough for a salamander like himself. He came to a blockade set up by a chipmunk. This seriously irritated Olmi. He threw down both packages and started doing karate chops on the acorn pileup. Hi Ya! Hi Ya! Hiiiiiiiiiiii YAH!!! Suddenly a few acorns busted apart and a gleam of morning sunlight poured into the gloomy passageway. Now, how in the world Olmi knew how to perform Haisoku Mawashi Geri or an instep roundhouse kick was unknown to all other Olms living in distant cavepools. It may be a trade passed down in his family from less evolved, terrestrial salamander ancestors. However, I suspect it was his close kinship to his aquatic cousin and colleague, Godzilla “GADZEELA”, who was known to inhabit underground cave pools from time to time.

The light immediately blinded Olmi’s already blinded eyes. He could not take the intenseness of the rays so he quickly put on his eye-shielding glasses and plunged forward into the world above. Despite his prior lathering up in the SPF #365 his skin began to crackle, blister, and squirt out disgustingly odorific PUSS. (Yuck!) So, he decided he should take this as a sign that he better finish up his business and be OUTTA there Quicko!!!

All he did was squeeze a rolled-up treasure map out a chipmunk hole and into the spokes of some kid’s bicycle. The map had a description on top that read “This here map is a BoNeFideh, original copy of the Dragon OOOOHHHMM, Olmi the Ominous, bountiful treasure for humans ONLY!!!!! …..Stolen by us… PIRATES. So you know!!!!! It’s gotta be good!”

“You see, this was the trick!”, Olmi exclaimed to his alter ego, “Make humans THINK it was a map for a hidden dragon treasure; THAT was first stolen by REAL PIRATES. If pirates stole it first, it’s gotta be good! So, this will entice the humans to go seek out “Olmi’s pouch of treasures that will make humans have better manners.”

Olmi considered this a win, win situation. Humans would love to find treasure, and anyway, his manner lessons would only bring them good luck. And, for him, he would hopefully no longer be covered in green ooze after the winter storms set in.

Olmi slithered his way back down into his cave, anxiously awaiting some type of response from the humans. “Will those frisky humans now be better custodians of the earth and will they celebrate Olmi’s favorite holiday now and forever, Olm-a-ween!!!, chortle, chortled, Olmi.”

So that is how Zennen came about this treasure map. It does really say “Treasure Map” on it. Zennen is not totally sure whether it came from pirates or from a cave-dwelling dragon but we found it one day when we were biking around at Aquatic Park. We noticed something tucked into my wheel-spokes and there behold a leathery map with puss and bat guano smeared all over it. It has real-life markings! We checked it out ourselves on Google maps. Zennen and I think it is actually possible to locate this treasure but we are going to need some serious help in excavating. WE NEED YOU! And your counterparts (parents or siblings, or whoever feeds you your cheerios).

We need YOUR help to:

1. Triangulate

2. Locate

3. Excavate and,

4. Expectorate any unusual, puss-filled treasures we find in: “Olmi’s treasure pouch for teaching humans some earthly good manners”

“Oh, this has gotta be good!”

So come one, come all to:

“The Search”: A.K.A.

Zennen Hura’s Treasure Hunt Birthday Party

@Aquatic Park, Berkeley, CA

***Sunday, February 26^th.

***11 AM, Let’s meet at the playground, for Kicks, Hah!!!! Get it? Kicks!! (I think Olmi must have written that)

***Appet-Teasers, treasure, bat guano, mollusks and puss-filled surprises will be served!!!!

***Bring your own shovel, please (or not!), and any other excavating tools you may be able to share.

***If it rains, we will meet first at Aquatic park for the hunt (bring rain gear if you like) and then move on over to a dessicated location that will be announced later, skater.

***Questions? Concerns? Call:

Jamie’s cell 510-332-4292

Greg’s cell 510-928-6352